Monday, September 27, 2010

Name Game

Awesome is quite the little mover and shaker! Get this girl started and she just keeps going! This week she has found it especially charming to dance around at 3 in the morning and jump up and down on my bladder. She is clearly already inheriting her father's complete disregard for normal sleep habits. She and I are going to have to have a little chat. According to thebump.com, Awesome gulps down several ounces of amniotic fluid every day, both for hydration and nutrition and to practice swallowing and digesting. And, these days, those taste buds actually work! Studies show that after birth, babies are most interested in tastes they've already experienced through amniotic fluid. This means the more garlicky and spicy foods I eat, the better it will be for her expansive palate in the future. Bring on the Indian food! Awesome is also, apparently, the length of a banana, or a 12 oz beer bottle, in Dude terms.

So here is the requisite week 21 picture:

The waitress at the pizza place over the weekend asked me when I was due, so I guess I definitely look pregnant now. That, or she saw how fervently I attacked the all-you-can eat pizza buffet.

Amos and I have been playing the name game lately, now that we know a little more about Ms. Awesome. Several nights Amos has tried to prevent me from going to bed (even though it was well after midnight and we had been discussing it for hours) in order to discuss this heavy undertaking. Of course, any real considerations will be kept mum until the big birthday announcement. This is very serious business! What a huge responsibility to give someone a name that will follow them for the rest of their lives (unless she changes it later in life to something like Whoopi Goldberg, to make herself more movie star billable). Amos would like to choose a name that will destine her to be a famous writer or cowgirl or musician. I'm okay with that, as long as I can imagine hearing, "Do you White Lightnin' Hopkins swear to uphold the Constitution of the United States." as she is being sworn in as a Supreme Court Justice or President of the United States and not cringing. I just want it to be versatile, so she could really be anything and have a name to go with it. How do parents do this?! Its such a commitment, a name. Of course, whatever her name is, she will undoubtedly make it her own. I know that she will make her name work for her, no matter what it is, because she is, inherently Awesome.

In terms of avoiding teasing, there is only so much we can do. Okay sure, we won't name her Mademoiselle Picklebottom or, as one baby name book actually suggested, Madicken (Really?!). And we probably won't include Chainsaw in her moniker. But in truth, unless we name her something like Mary or Lisa, any name may be open to a tease now or then. I guess it will also be our job as parents to raise her with a healthy sense of self to stand up to that silly playground nonsense. We could go the family name route, or I could name her Bonnie, after my favorite musician (don't think so). We would like to give her a name that she probably won't come across in her life. Take my name, Katy. Katys and Katies are a dime a dozen. Of course, I actually really like my name and don't mind that I have about 15 friends named Katie. Several of them are actors. Several of them are redheads. And one friend spells her name Katy, is an actor and has red hair. She's shorter than me though, so people rarely confuse us. Its a small Katy world. The truth is, nearly every Katy/Katie I have ever met are pretty rockin' strong women. So no complaints here. Amos likes having a name that few others seem to have. Amos has met only one other Amos in his life and he was Amish and the largest producer of onion rings in the country. Plus Amos rhymes with Famous, which has served him well. So, needless to say this naming business is a big deal. We did decide that we would come up with a short list and when we meet her and spend a little time with her, then we will choose a name which fits her best. Thank goodness we have roughly 4 and a half more months to narrow it down.



Dear Little Bear,

Papa and I both dreamt about you this week. I dreamt you had dark red curly hair and chubby cheeks. Papa dreamt that while you were in my belly, you pressed your hand against my skin so we could see your hand perfectly. Then you did the same thing with your foot and then your face. He said you looked pretty cute, even through my belly skin.

We are working very hard to come up with a good name for you. I hope you like it, for at least most of the time. We will try do our best to honor your spirit and make a path for a legacy that you will undoubtedly blaze.


Tonight you let me know you REALLY wanted a burger, so I did my best to honor your request by seeking out what Louisvillian's deem the BEST burger in town. It was very yummy, plus I especially enjoyed the self-serve toppings bar, where I loaded up on about a pound of assorted pickles. Yummy. Good idea, Little Bear.

Papa and I love you very much. We can't wait to meet you.

Love, Mama


Sunday, September 19, 2010

Lady Be Good

Whew! What a week! First and foremost let me get to the REALLY big news. We finally got to catch a glimpse at Awesome! Amos and I went for our 20-week ultrasound this week and not only got to check Awesome out, but found out Awesome is a girl! Here is a sweet picture of her. My favorite part of this picture is her sweet little nose and lips. Amos likes her "chubby" cheeks:

And, she is quite an acrobat! Here's a shot of her scratching her forehead with her foot:

She's so talented already! Oh, and in other exciting news, I started to feel her kicking and punching around. Its usually just a little *blip* now and then, and sometimes she seems to really be bouncing around. It is so wonderful to feel her move! In fact I can feel her moving around as I write this post. Now I am counting the days until Amos can feel her move in my belly.

Here is a picture of what I look like at 20 weeks:


According to thebump.com, Awesome is the size of a cantaloupe:


According to the Dad's Pregnancy Guide: "This week your baby is now the size of one nice-sized boob." This is the picture that accompanied this description (Note: These are NOT my boobs):


Okay, so I don't really think "nice sized boobs" are the size of cantaloupes. Boobs the size of cantaloupes are in the "Gazunga" size category. According to my midwife, Awesome is about ten ounces and 6-7 inches in length, so I'm going with thebump.com's size comparison on this one. I think the Dad's Pregnancy Guide just wanted to put some pictures of some boobs up there for good measure....

In other news...Awesome is draining my brain! So much so that I almost typed "braining my drain." I feel like my brain has left the building and left Elvis in its place, and all Elvis wants is gummy worms. Here are just a few examples of my brain blips this week:

A short collection of work related emails that looked like this:

"Dear Mrs. Roberts, Attached you will find the list of U of L students who will be visiting Young Elementary."

5 seconds later:

"Dear Mrs. Smith, Please forgive me for referring to you as Mrs. Roberts. My mistake. My previous email was intended for you."

"Dear Students, Attached you will find a list of teachers from Hawthorne Elementary, whose classrooms you will visit."

8 minutes later:

"Dear Students, You will actually be visiting Apple Elementary, NOT Hawthorne. My mistake."

2 hours later:

"Dear Mrs. Smith, I have just now realized that I named the spreadsheet that I previously sent to you as an attachment as "King Elementary", when it should be named "Young Elementary". I did send you the correct spreadsheet, I just named it incorrectly. My mistake."

And that's just the emails. Don't get me started on the phone calls. Later in the week, I decided to get a head start on some homework for a class I had the next day. I could not, FOR THE LIFE OF ME, visualize what my notebook for this class looked like. It was nowhere on my desk at work, I looked through everything I had, even though I had no idea what I was looking for. Now usually (meaning, pre-pregnancy) I can remember what something I've misplaced looks like and then picture in my mind where it is. No such luck. I tried to put myself in the classroom where I take this particular class and imagine myself with my notebook, but I could not think, for the life of me, what it looked like. I wracked my brain for 20 minutes trying to figure out where this mystery notebook was, beginning to panic, as my homework was in the notebook. I then told my friend Angela
, who isn't even in my class, about my notebook, and she knew IMMEDIATELY where it was and what it looked like! Thank God for friends who will be my brain for me when my brain seems to be out to lunch. Of course this is the semester that I chose to take multivariate statistics and intellectual assessment (you know, the really easy, simple classes). I then read an article from the American Psychological Association Monitor about research on the "pregnant brain." Apparently, my ability to follow through on tasks with multiple steps- shot. Keeping facts straight- hah! And my working memory- Sayanora! Not to mention that according to the article, by the time I give birth to Awesome, my hormone levels will be ONE THOUSAND TIMES their normal levels. God help me. God help Amos.

Dear Little Bear,

This was such a great week for Papa and me! We finally got a chance to see you this week. You are so perfect and beautiful. Even you spine is gorgeous! I can't wait to kiss those little fingers and toes. Papa and I were very impressed by your flexibility. When I was born, people called me Nadia Comaneci, who was an Olympic gymnast at the time. Looks like you might be another gymnast! Not to mention all the flips and handstands I can now feel you doing inside my belly! I really appreciate you letting me know you are in there. I am sorry about drinking that chai. I think that may have made you go a little bonkers. It felt like you were doing the Macarena.

Oh, and Little Bear, I hope all those brain cells I seem to be missing have made their way down to your noggin' to make you smart smart smart!

Papa and I love you very much.

Love,
Mama

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Letters to an Artist as a Young Fetus



Okay, so I decided to start taking pics that were a bit more close up, because well, my head is starting to look really small in the pictures as the rest of my body expands and that's weird. Also, you can, if you so desire, see a bigger version of the pics by double clicking on the image.
Apparently, Awesome is mango sized this week (one of my favorites!). Yummy. Is it gross that every week, when I find out what size fruit/veggie Awesome is comparable to, I really start craving it? Mmmmm...mangoes.

The past few months I have kept a variety of records, including this blog, of my thoughts, feelings and general observations of this crazy time in our lives. I have been keeping a journal (the kind you write in with a pen- I know, what is this the '90's?) that tracks questions I have that need answering and more private thoughts on this matter, as well as hormonal ramblings that I feel others should be spared from. That being said, I also kept something of a record for Awesome, so that when she/he so desire (or when I read it to him/her ad nauseum as soon as they're born) they can look back and know what was happening in Mama and Papa's life as they prepared for her/his arrival.

I decided this week, that Awesome will probably be really tech savvy and may already have a little iPhone in my belly right now and is reading the blog, wishing she/he could make comments about how neurotic I am and making editorial notes on how the blog layout could look better. So, starting this week, I decided to include my little letters and thoughts I have been composing for Awesome. And hopefully if she/he is reading this now, he/she will have the common sense to know not to criticize his/her mother and will take everything I write as sage, sage wisdom.

Anyhoo, when I think about Awesome, I actually don't think of the moniker "Awesome." I know, big shocker. I more think of her/him as Little Bear. When Amos was a little boy, he thought he was a bear. In many ways, he still does think this. So, its hard not for me to think of this little baby as my Little Bear. So, for the sake of the blog and to others I may refer to Awesome as such, but when I writing directly to this little one, it's Little Bear. Just so you know.

Dear Little Bear,

Papa thinks that you are going to be a great musician like him because your heartbeat was so fast when we first heard it. Of course, we would love for you to play any musical instrument you like, as long as it's not the banjo or the drums (they get no respect.) I just want you to be funny. Papa and I have found that if you can make people tap their feet and laugh, you'll have a pretty good life, and that's what we want for you. A good life. We will promise to try and make you dance and laugh every day, so that you understand how wonderful it is to have those things.

Because you are a 19 week old Little Bear in my tummy, you are probably dancing around already and snapping your fingers. I played the ukulele a lot this past week and Papa played the guitar and fiddle. Did you like it? If so, kick once for "yes", twice for "not so much." Actually, I will be very happy when I can feel you dancing around. Maybe you should put on your tap shoes so I can feel it. Maybe you're just hanging out and taking it easy, having a good ol' time and sitting on my bladder. Whichever, I hope you're happy. I know I am.

Papa and I are so excited to see your picture next week! Give me a wave, okay? Or a thumbs up. Or a peace sign, that would be neat. Maybe you could dance a little jig. Whatever you do, I can't wait to see you.

We love you, Little Bear.

Love,

Mama

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Reoccuring Dream

For several years before I was pregnant, I kept having this reoccurring dream. Most of the time, it consisted of two parts.


In the first part, Amos and I are at home (interestingly, in my dream, it’s never a home we've actually ever lived in) and we have a new baby. The gender and name are rarely known and the baby often looks different in different versions of the dream. Anyway, we have this new baby, and we have nothing for it. No clothes, no bed, no diapers, no blankets, no obvious sources for food. Nothing. And in the dream, I am very anxious and flustered because we have this baby, but aren't prepared in any way for its existence. In the dream, I am always angry with myself and think, "How could I be unprepared for this?! How could this baby have taken me by surprise? I should have my shit together. I have been preparing and wanting a baby for as long as I remember! How is it possible that I have been blind-sided by this little one's arrival?" In some versions of the dream, I scrounge around the house and come up with make shift solutions, like wrapping the baby in an old shirt. In other versions, I rush out and buy everything I need. One such version had me going to Baby's R Us with my Aunt Janet to buy baby gear and walking in and finding the store to be like a hybrid of Ikea and Costco on crack, with mile high shelves, everything disassembled in boxes, and like a maze. The seemingly simple task of searching for a receiving blanket turns into an overwhelming, insurmountable task. Whichever the version, my waking life resourcefulness and baby knowledge is completely absent and I am left feeling exasperated and frantic.

In the second part of the dream, Amos and I decide to go out for the night. The dream then continues as we maneuver through some social situation, usually a party of some sort. Towards the end of the night, as in hours later, I realize, "Oh shit! We forgot about the baby! We've left it at home by itself for the whole night!" I then rush home to find the baby in various stages of survival. Sometimes, the baby is happy as a newborn clam. In other versions, not so much. In one particularly dark version of the dream (the same version that had the Babies R Us trip), I find the baby in an antique cradle, covered in brush and cobwebs, long since dead. Disturbing, I know.

So what does this all mean?!!!! Well, I initially interpreted the dream as meaning that I have taken all of my life-long baby preparation for granted and there are just some aspects of having a baby that one can never truly prepare for. So this is my subconscious way of warning myself of two things: 1) You can never be too

During the period of my life when I was having this dream with some amount of regularity, I was really trying to convince Amos that NOW (as in then) was the perfect and ideal time to have a baby and that we could do it! And that we would be prepared! Consciously, my mind was filled with all the "rational" reasons and proof as to why these reasons were true and I truly, truly believed them all. In my waking life, I allowed myself no room for doubt and questioning, as to my own preparedness for a baby, convinced that I AM READY. But apparently, my subconscious felt otherwise.

After the particularly intense and dark version of the dream (Babies R Us and cobwebs), I mentioned the dreams to my mom. And of course, Dr. Karen "Carl Jung" Graves, had a very interesting interpretive twist to the dreams. As she put it, “If you are every person in the dream, then you are the baby.” And what does it mean now that the baby is unexpectedly without care and nourishment? Whoa. WHOA. So I am the baby. And perhaps it’s not that I subconsciously fear not being ready for my baby and worried about how I will take care of her/him, but rather I am not prepared to take care of my inner baby and worried that I will abandon myself, or some part of myself -my child self, myself as an individual, who knows? Crazy stuff, right?

But I think these dreams are on to something that perhaps every person faces, in varying degrees, if prepared and 2) No matter how much you prepare it won't be enough.
they transition into parenthood. What will become of the person I am, or once was? Who will take care of me when I and my partner now have to devote so much time to this little baby? I have heard some parents speak of this automatic selflessness that accompanies parenthood, of some seamless transition from primary concern for the self, to concern for others. But does this really happen so seamlessly, or do people just tell themselves this because it’s the appropriate thing to say? Or perhaps they are afraid of acknowledging their own need for autonomy for fear of feeling selfish or uncaring. Or perhaps it doeas really happen that easily.

Now I find myself in this weird period where the baby is a real part of my life, insofar as I am pregnant and have heard the heartbeat and have begun a registry, but also still live a life where, in the greatest sense of reality, I am still on my own and unattached from this child (okay, okay, so I guess we are literally attached, but you know what I mean), able to make most decisions about my daily life without thinking too much about him/her. So on one hand, I can more realistically plan and conceptualize having a baby in our lives in the near future, but on the other hand, I also have the luxury of, nearly always, choosing my own needs over that of a child. So, I am trying to take this weird limbo state and apply careful foresight into how I hope I will balance this self-other dichotomy when the time comes. I look to the future now and firmly want to always be able to carve out time for myself. I look to the time after we have children and say to myself, as well as to Amos, that I will always make our relationship and marriage a top priority. I will always make sure we have time where it’s just him and me. Where we spend time together in a childless vacuum, where we can revert back to the space where only we existed. This I want for our future. But perhaps, as my dreams may predict, I can't be fully prepared, for anything. And all I can do is hope that I and we (Amos and I, together), are able to make it a constant priority to work on finding that balance and that we can also find grace and forgiveness in ourselves and each other when we don't always succeed.

Interestingly, I have only had this dream once since I have been pregnant. And in the dream, we only were without material items for the baby. Also, we didn't go out for the night and forget the baby. So what does this tell me? Or better yet, what does it tell you? That y'all better clear out our registry and stock our house with onesies and carseats, because, God forbid I have to make a trip to Babies R Us. Who knows if I'll survive?


For good measure, here's a reminder of Us:











Monday, September 6, 2010

Waiting for the Rumblies



My little sweet potato is 18 weeks! And hopefully, because that's the way I like 'em best, this little sweet potato is cushioned by butter, marshmallows, pineapples and brown sugar. In so many ways, the days and weeks seem to inch by and it feels like this baby will never get here, but then I am doing as my mom calls it, "end gaining." And so, instead, I am trying to be in the moment and soak up the wonder and the craziness that is being pregnant, because, hell, I'm only going to be pregnant a couple times in my life. I should really cherish this! But, as is my habit in life, I get really caught up waiting for the future and have a hard time being here and now. Got to do it. Its hard though, because I still don't feel 100 percent pregnant. I mean, something is definitely going on in my body and it is crazy, but I look at myself and think, "well, I could still just pass for chubbier...not exactly pregnant." And while we have heard Awesome's heartbeat, we still have yet to have an ultrasound. So for all I know, I could've just grown a second heart and be some sort of freakish medical anomaly.

I also have yet to really feel the baby move. Which is supposed to be happening right around now. According to thebump.com, "Awesome has become amazingly mobile (at least compared to you), passing the hours yawning, hiccuping, rolling, twisting, kicking, punching, sucking and swallowing. And, baby's finally big enough that you'll be able to feel those movements soon." Women who have been pregnant before describe the early movements as feeling like, flutters, or butterflies, or popcorn popping, or gas. Well, I certainly feel rumblies in my tumbly, but I don't know if its the baby or if its just air bubbles. I'm guessing if I can audibly hear it, its probably the latter. Anyway, hopefully I feel a good swift quick to the belly button soon and then have this very obvious Aha moment, and say, "Ahhhh, there you are!"

So I suspect that the further along I get, the more I can feel Awesome dancing around and the more I really look like a pregnant lady, I will (hopefully) be able to be more present and soak up these days. But in the meantime, I'm like, "Hurry up already, let's meet this baby!"