Wow, thank goodness its Halloween this weekend, so that when people comment me on my scary, haggard appearance, I can just say, "Oh you mean, this face? Oh, I just look like this for the holiday. Ya, know...BOO!" When in truth its because I have slept like crap all week, which has really added to my Zombie street cred. I feel like sleeplessness during pregnancy is some cruel, cruel joke. I am supposed to be storing up sleep now, because, as 'they' say, once the baby comes I'm not going to sleep again for 18+ years. So last week I was blaming the cat. This week, its the cat, and the dog, and the trains, and the husband, oh and a tiny little one named Dance Diva Awesome, not to mention just waking up, lying there and just, being awake. Not much on my mind. Just lying there. Which means when its 9:30pm the next night and I am sitting in class trying to figure out how to score a very complicated intellectual assessment with very little intellectual power left in me, or I am sitting in class trying to figure out how I will possible face the three hour midterm in multivariate statistics that sits in front of me, I just close my eyes and think, "Hey, this is not what I bargained for." I thought all this sleep deprivation was supposed to come AFTER the baby arrives, not BEFORE. But that's just it, isn't it? Looks like she already has arrived.
When Amos and I were first talking about having a baby, I was telling him that its not like we would have a baby right away, we'd have 40 weeks of waiting around for the baby, 40 more weeks of baby-less, carefree lifestyle. And Amos looked at me and said, "Katy, as soon as you get pregnant, we will HAVE a baby." And now I get it. He was right. I admit it. She's already here in so many ways. But at the same time, she's not here, and I want her to be. But, then again, I don't. I cherish my baby-free life, perhaps even more now that its slipping away. Which is WHY, I'd like to sleep as much as I can, while I can!
The other night Amos said to me, "I wish this pregnancy was like our engagement and wedding." We got engaged and BAM! three months later, we were married. It was all so fast. We went from unmarried and untied to married with many ties. But I love those ties. I wouldn't change those ties for anything. I'm guessing transitioning into parenting will be the same way. But in the meantime, how about a decent night's sleep?
Here's a pic of me, 25 weeks, in one of my many Halloween masks...
Dear Little Bear,
I want you to know that I will gladly trade all the full nights of sleep just to hang out with you.
Papa and I love you very much.
Love,
Mama
Our pets, Rosco P. Coltrane and Juliette Binoche, are our children. They are our "first borns." I wonder if they make t-shirts for cats and dogs that say, "I'm the Big Brother" or "I'm the Big Sister." If not, they should. I would buy them. These animals have me wrapped around their paws. Its true. This is how I knew I had a problem:
This is Juliette.
Three nights ago at approximately 4:36am, Juliette started scratching on the bed by my head. Okay, so I could choose to ignore her, but I am in a sleeping phase right now that when I wake up (which I do about 6 times a night) I immediately have to pee a gallon. Also, if I am awake for too long, I can't fall back asleep for another hour or two (after several more trips to the bathroom). So, ignoring Juliette doesn't work, because the mere fact that I am awake means I have to get up anyway to trek to the bathroom, and if I just lie there waiting for her to stop, I will end up not being able to fall back asleep and will be VERY disgruntled. So needless to say, when she starts to scratch, as she does EVERY night, at approximately 4:36, I shoot up out of bed and attend to her. Now, for several weeks, when she scratched at the bed, she wanted to let out the back door (which is in our bedroom). Sometimes, she would insist to be let out the front door (the back door was too low class for her, I guess). But, now, the charade goes something like this: I get up to let her out and open the door and instead she goes to her food bowl, because all of a sudden, she is, apparently, famished. I then go to the bathroom and WAIT for her to finish eating, and then when she is ready, in her own precious time, I let her out. So a couple of nights ago, I am curled up at the foot my bed (getting back into bed and situated with all my pillows is too involved), trying not to fall back asleep, as I know she will be waking me up any second, but also trying not to wake up too much, while she chomps away in the next room, taking her own damned sweet time. Now you rational people out there may say, "Katy, you are being silly. Throw her out the back door and forget about her!" And to you I say, "But if I throw her out before she is done eating she will surely starve to death on the streets, or turn to whoring, and I can't be responsible for that!" Of course, she probably wouldn't starve, what's a more likely reality is that 30 minutes later I will hear a *scratch scratch meow* at the door because SOMEONE is hungry and didn't get to finish her meal. By the way, to prove the true extent of this cat manipulation, Juliette has been waking me up in the middle of night since she was a kitten, 9 YEARS AGO. Its a sickness, I know. Perhaps, I will have to resort to the trusty spray bottle, which sends chills of terror down her spine when she eyes it, but makes me feel like a very bad mommy. If only she could have a star chart and I could reward her for a week of good behavior. No such luck, I think.
And then there is Rosco, also known as Amos' first love.
We bought a king size bed to accommodate Rosco, because he needs at least half of it to be comfortable. Did I mention that he prefers to have his head on a pillow (or under one) and be under the blankets. Yeah.
Oh and don't forget the fact that Amos prefers to sleep diagonally on the bed, and when Juliette is not demanding to eat or be let out, she's on there too. This picture was taken when I got up to go to the bathroom one morning. None of their positions shifted when I got up, so try and imagine where my pregnant, 5'9" self sleeps:
So where does that leave me? Curled up and shivering in the corner of my bed wondering what's wrong with this picture. Oh and by the way, Rosco has his own queen size bed in his own bedroom that he spends all day in. However, this room will soon be changed into a nursery and his bed will longer be there. Oh, the humanity!
It may be a bad sign of whats to come that our pets have me trained to do ridiculous things for them. If I can't say no to a dog and a cat, how will I possibly say no to a child?!
Anyway, here is my week 24 shot.
Dear Little Bear,
We hope that you love animals as much as we do. Papa has a special gift of getting little wild animals to eat out of his hand, a skill he learned from his Mamaw. He also likes to make animal calls on his fiddle. When I was a little girl, I lived on a farm and had circus and all of my animals were a part of it. This was my first lesson in "herding cats." You will probably learn that lesson, too, someday. We hope that your life will be filled with lots of soft furry creatures for you to love and play with, as our lives always have. But be careful, those sweet animals work their way into your heart and you can't let go. You'll see.
Mama and Papa (and Rosco and Juliette) love you very much,
Love,
Mama
Okay, so as I near my 6 month of pregnancy its time I start getting real about this whole impending labor and birth business. Now, I was really proactive about a month ago and hired a fantastic and much-sought-after doula, Susan. Amos is a little unsure about how Susan is going to be our labor super-hero, but I know that he will see the light when all is said and done. I did my hippie mommy duty and read Spiritual Midwifery and Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth. I am now officially on board with having a blissfully wonderful labor and delivery where Amos and I make out like teenagers the entire time and earth mothers surround me in light and love and the world is free of pain and Awesome looks up at me, immediately after I have birthed her with my own hands, and she silently mouths, "Thank you." And we are ONE in our naturally induced Oxytocin blissfullness. Its gonna happen. Because I read the books. Just watch.
But, first I gotta get my ass (and Amos's) into a childbirth class. And, for some reason, thats not so easy. A month ago, my midwife asked me, "So have you signed up for your birthing class yet?" "Oh, I'm just narrowing it down, I plan to really really soon," I reply. Flash forward, a month later, to today when I am sitting in her office and she asks me about it again, and this time, I lie. I say, with great confidence, "Oh, yeah. Totally. Signed up and ready to go!" "Oh." she replies, "Which one?" and then I proceed to tell her the name of a class I have been meaning to sign up for, but haven't. I lied to my midwife. That's got to be a cardinal sin of hippie mommy-dom.
So why haven't I signed up? Well, for starters, Amos and I have opposite and very packed schedules and it really hasn't been easy finding a class that meets at a time when we are both available. Another part of me dreads having something else added to my schedule- for nine weeks. And another part of me is stressed that the class will suck and I will feel compelled to stick it out and suffer (as is my nature when I am taking a class), even though its cheesy and/or boring and/or exhausting, and I will be dragging Amos down with me, because we have to take a class to be good parents and have a good birth experience. Amos hears the word class and instantly thinks of sneaking off and smoking in the boys room and I think of pleasing the teacher and getting an A+.
The last time I convinced Amos to accompany me on something that was reminiscent of school it was the U of L Graduate Dance. (Yes, I made him go). I thought it would be like prom and we would be Queen and King and we would slow dance to Whitney Houston and my high school dreams would come true. In reality, the band sucked, there was a two-drink maximum, and Amos got busted filling his 5 dollar coke with bourbon from his flask in the bathroom and watched as the rent-a-cop poured his Old Forester down the drain. Amos then spent the rest of the night sulking in his chair and I was mad at him for not buying me a corsage. In other words, high school all over again. Good times. At least I looked cute.
So now its back to school for us, and I just need to bite the bullet and we will survive. And we will graduate. And feel more prepared, because that's what these classes do. Everyone I know who took the classes in Louisville recommended them and said they were so glad they did (even the fathers said this). So we gotta do it. Pronto.
And now that I lied to our midwife, I have to sign up, basically, tomorrow, so I won't be lying anymore. Because lying to someone who will know you very intimately is not a good idea.
Anyhoo, here is the week 23 picture:
I look like a liar, don't I?
Dear Little Bear,
This week, Papa brought Rosco to visit me at school. He brought along a very yummy picnic of sushi (cooked fish for me, raw for him), french bread, fancy cheeses, avocado and chocolate. Delicious. We ate outside in the middle of campus and Rosco did what he does best. Chase squirrels. Papa hopes that you will like hunting squirrels as much as he and Rosco do.
I have really been liking feeling you kick away, but its time you kick Papa in the face. I think he'd like it. He talks to you and you get very still. I know his voice is deep and soothing, that's why Mama loves him so much, but he would really love it if you gave him a little tap, so that he knows your listening. Just a suggestion.
Keep dancing.
Papa and I love you very much.
Love,
Mama
Okay, so I write this on the eve of my 23rd week and have to make sure that I get a recap of week 22 out right away. I had a great weekend visit home to Cincinnati and Spring Valley. Got to see the folks and get treated like a queen. Yummy food, ice cream, comfy beds, tie dye onesies, shopping sprees and a pillow overload. Both my mom and Bet, Amos's mom had heard that I was having difficulty sleeping, so they went out and bought me a variety of comfy body pillows that now surround me like a cocoon. How Amos actually manages to find me under the mountain of pillows, I don't know. I had been thinking that if I just surround myself in the myriad of pillows we already owned, that I would be okay and no new pillows could possibly make that big of a difference. But oh, was I wrong! Lets just say that a miracle pillow, also known as The Snoogle, has forever changed my life and extended my sleep intervals from two hours to a blissfully long 3 1/2 hours (before I wake up and have to pee). Thank you, thank you Moms!
I also got to see my dear dear friends, The Riddlebarger/Coppola Families. I have known them my whole life and had not seen them since I've been pregnant, so it was wonderful to see them and sit around marveling at life cycles. We sat around the table discussing favorite childhood books, among them The Boxcar Children, Little House on the Prairie, The Borrowers, The BFG, Little Women, The Little Princess, The Secret Garden. So many good books about adventurous little girls (and boys). It made me so excited to share these books with Awesome and read together the way I read with my mom. Reading was such a vital portal for me into other world and I hope it will be for her, too. Of course, we'll probably read Harry Potter together, as well, new classics to add to the older ones. Any other suggestions? I commented that so many of the books had to do with orphan children and Ruth pointed out that these types of books help children develop their own sense of wonder and independence. I really hope that we are successful in allowing Awesome to be independent and adventurous. A life filled with wonder is an absolute must!
Apparently I could start reading to her right now, if I want. According to thebump.com, "Watch what you say -- baby is now able to hear outside noise from down in the womb. Studies show that baby finds gentle music and your own voice most soothing. Nipples are starting to sprout, and that little face is fully formed. And, baby's starting to settle into sleep cycles, snoozing about 12 to 14 hours a day. It shouldn't be hard to figure out when -- just pay attention to those kicks as they start and stop." I wish I could sleep for 12-14 hours a day!
All very exciting! And here is my week 22 picture along with a piece of fruit:
Dear Little Bear,
I saw all of your grandparents this weekend and they are so so excited to meet you! I wonder what you will call them. You are so lucky to have such wonderful grandmas and grandpas who are so much fun and creative and silly and will love you to bits! They will also, undoubtedly, spoil you rotten. They have all already started buying you presents! I told them they have to keep them all at their houses for the time being until Papa and I have a place to put them all. Of course, they will probably have things for you to play with that they keep at their house, too, so that you are never bored. With any of them, you are bound to have a great time! You are one lucky Little Bear!
You also have 4 great grandma's and a great grandpa who will also love you and shower you with affection! Did I mention your aunts and uncles? You will have two uncles, Josh and Andy and many aunties, including Amy, Seneca, Mimi H. and Mimi E!
Of course, there are tons and tons of other family members who will love love love you! What an Awesome family you have! Everyone is so so excited to meet you!
But most of all, Papa and I are excited. We promise to give you a life filled with magic and wonder.
Papa and I love you very much.
Love,
Mama
