Three's Company

In line with last week's post on breastfeeding, I thought I'd write a little about our choice to have June Apple sleep with us. Unlike nursing, sharing our bed was not something I had consciously made a decision to do, before she came along. In fact, I even believe I utter those fateful words as a non-parent, "I will never let my kids sleep with us." The truth was, then, I cherished my sleep and space, too much. At the time I said this, my wise friend, a mother of two, smiled and just said, "We'll see about that." Touche'. 

When June Apple was born and it was just the two of us alone, in the middle of the night, in my hospital room, I looked over at her, sooo tiny in her hard plastic bassinet, and I just couldn't bear to have her sleep anywhere by cradled in my arms. When we got home, her nursing schedule was exhausting, feeding every hour, it was a matter of SURVIVAL for her to be right next to me. In the beginning she did sleep in a co-sleeper bassinet right next to our bed, but would also sleep in the crook of my arm, many nights. In her first year, she also slept in her crib many naps and nights. But then around 7 months, my work/school schedule ramped up. Several days during the week I would be gone for 10 hours or longer. Around this time, June Apple stopped sleeping through the night, waking up to nurse more and more. I took this as a sign of her need to be close to me, after spending so many hours away. So I started bringing her in to our bed and more.

And then I got pregnant, when she was about a year old, and the mixture of nausea and sciatic nerve pain made it excrusicating to bend over her crib night after night, rubbing her back and trying to sooth her back to sleep. So I just gave in and brought her into our bed, where she has remained ever since. She started sleeping through the night again, and when she does wake, she settles very quickly, and we ALL get better sleep, which is much, much appreciated. My views about where a baby/child sleeps is this: we decide what works best for all of us, in our family. It might not be what would work in another family, for the parents, or the children. But it is what has worked for us.

When Baby Bear comes along, I'm not sure what the sleeping arrangements will be. I don't intend to all of a sudden send June to her crib. My most immediate plan is to have Baby Bear in the co-sleeper and June between Amos and I. I am committed first and foremost to what is safe for Baby Bear, and while I have a very strong trust in my innate ability to be aware of him on our bed, I do not expect Ms. June to be similarly so. Safe co-sleeping suggests that older children should not share a bed with a baby, and for good reason. So for now, he will be in his bassinet, as June Apple was when she was born. In truth, our house is tiny and we don't have room for two cribs anyway. We are planning on moving in the next year or so, at which point, we will encourage June to move to a Big Girl bed, perhaps in her own room, and take it from there. But for now, we will all be together in our room, using the nursery for naps. And who knows what will be best for Baby Bear? Perhaps he will sleep better in the crib. Perhaps June will decide she needs her own space. But we will play it by year and continue to listen and respond to what is best for all of us.

And in other news, my week 31 picture:





Dear Baby Bear,

I promise to do my very best to listen to what is right for you and our family. I know others might do things differently, and their advice to us is well-intentioned and based on what worked best for them. But they are not us. So I will watch you, and listen to you, and change my mind if you need me to, and love and care for you the very best that I can.

Your Papa, big sister and I love you very much.

Love,
Mama

Mama Milt

I always planned to breastfeed our children, after lugging around my ridiculously large jugs for half my life- I certainly was looking forward to putting them to excellent use! Of all three major tenets of attachment parenting (breastfeeding, babywearing, bedsharing), breastfeeding was the one that was MOST important to me. As some of you may have read in my earlier posts, when June Apple was born, I relied heavily on the support of a wonderful lactation consultant, as well as friends and family, to make sure that she and I both got off to a great start. It was rough at first, because she was so small and she was tongue-tied, but once we got going, we've never looked back! As a low-birth weight baby, I knew how important breastmilk was to her health and brain development. In fact low birth weight babies benefit the MOST from breastmilk, compared to all other babies. I wanted to help my little Squirrel Girl however I could, and I am sooo grateful I had this natural, built-in food source that was so valuable to her. June Apple has been very healthy thus far, enjoying those immunity building benefits, no doubt. Not to mention that I love the special bonding time we've shared!

When I got pregnant with Baby Bear, June Apple was about a year and I wasn't ready to wean her quite yet. According to my midwife, there was no reason for me to stop nursing her, so we forged on. I did end up night-weaning her early in my pregnancy, because I needed the extra sleep. She adjusted well after a couple rough nights, and now only usually nurses before bed and naps. Looking back over the course of this pregnancy, there have certainly been times that nursing her has been painful, or physically irritating, because of my increased hormone levels. However, one of the huge benefits of nursing her is that I have been forced to lie down and rest several times a day to nurse her- providing a MUCH needed break. I know myself well enough to know, with everything going on right now, I would not have been likely to take the time to rest like this otherwise. I am unsure about what it will be like once Baby Bear arrives, but I am sure we will figure it out and I will be sure to report on how it all goes. In the meantime, June Apple sure does love her "Mama Milt" (her words).
 
Here is my pic from week 30. This picture doesn't capture nearly how miserably hot its been. Note to all the future pregnant ladies out there- try and be pregnant over the winter!
                        



                    

Dear Baby Bear,

I hope that when you come along it will be cooler than it has been lately. Many say this is the hottest summer they can remember. Will next summer be hotter? Who knows? Just be grateful that you've been able to spend this summer in a climate controlled mama-belly, and not out here sweatin' with the rest of us. Of course, your body acts like an little internal combustion engine, keeping me additionally toasty! Here's to cooler days and nights ahead!

Your Papa, big sister and I love you very much,
Love,
Mama

Securely Attached

I have been meaning to comment on the recent hub bub over the Time Magazine cover that pictured a woman breastfeeding her 3 year old, with the headline, "Are You Mom Enough?" The cover photo was, in the very least sensational, and proved to be effective in sparking conversation and controversy about the practice of attachment parenting. Many people seem to misunderstand attachment parenting and think that its about being tied to your children forever and creating a family environment that lacks boundaries. Some misinformed critics say that the promotion of attachment parenting leads to the further oppression of women, pressuring them to sacrifice themselves for the sake of their children and putting their children's needs above all else. This has not been my experience. While I am sure that there are parents who interpret the attachment parenting philosophy and transform it into its extreme forms. Just as there are parents on the opposite end of the spectrum who take the notion of "sleep training" their babies to the extreme, and never go to their children when they cry in the night, for fear that they will ruin their child's ability to "self-soothe." The truth is being a parent, and perhaps especially, a mother, is a nerve-wracking, vulnerable, scary and exhilarating experience. We all are in search of "the right way". Or perhaps just simply, what will screw our kids up the least?

I've had the privilege of sharing in the intimate lives of many, many families over the years. I began babysitting at age 11, worked as a full-time nanny or au pair on and off throughout my twenties and more recently, as a child and family therapist. And of course there are all the wonderful friends and family members whose lives I have shared and participated in their journey into the parenting abyss. Countless times I have had the honor of bearing witness to that look in a new mother's eyes that look at me and say, "Holy Cow! I can't believe someone expects me to know what to do!" And I saw how they, as perhaps we all do, long for the answers, long to be able to figure it out, to achieve family bliss. 


When we became new parents, I came in with the advantage of knowing about a lot of the technical "baby care taking" stuff. But of course, being a parent is much more than knowing about swaddling and diapers. Parenthood, thus far, has been similar to what I know many parents experience when they have a baby- periods of triumph and joy amidst stumbling blindly through a sea of the unknown. One of our biggest guiding forces in knowing what to do is following our intuition and hearts. Everyone around us has a well-intentioned opinion based on, usually, what worked for their family. And what we are always trying to do is stay true to finding what works for OUR family. And it may be different than what other families do, and it may not be something that worked for other parents, but we are committed to do what feels right, and what makes us all happy.


For us, we found ourselves practicing attachment parenting, partly out of necessity (more on that coming up) and mostly out of, simply, what felt right. Over the next few weeks, I will talk about what that looks like in our family, focusing mainly on the Three B's of Attachment Parenting: Breastfeeding, Babywearing, and Bedsharing.


In the meantime, here's a pic of me at 29 weeks:

Dear Baby Bear,

It still feels so unreal that you are are going to be here. As you grow bigger and bigger and my belly gets bigger and bigger, I know your going to be in our lives before we know it. Your sister, June Apple, has been practicing her big sister skills on her stuffed animals, which she calls, "My Babies." She likes to tuck them in at night, by putting pillows over them. We promise to refine her tucking in skills before you come, to make sure there are no pillows on top of you! I think she will be so excited when she meets you and give you lots and lots of hugs and kisses.

Your big sister, Papa and I love you so much.

Love,

Mama

28 weeks

Not many words but a glimpse of our week in a few pictures....drinking my vegetables with a healthy dose of horseradish, and playing with boxes on our head, plus taking the time for the mandatory belly shot for week 28.

Dear Baby Bear,

I wonder what your favorite toys will be? Your sister seems to enjoys boxes these days. It never ceases to amaze me how kiddos, no matter what toys you think they will like, inevitably, choose what they like best, even if its some Tupperware and Mardi Gras beads. June Apple plays wonderfully by herself and I wonder if you will always seek her out as a playmate, since she'll be around, or if you will also enjoy your solitude. As a kid who grew up without a brother or sister around, I spent many hours alone. Looking back, it was wonderful at times and lonely at times. I do hope that you will be able to enjoy both being alone and playing with your sister, as both will undoubtedly bring bounty. I am really excited to see you at play, in whatever form it may be!

Your Papa, sister, and I love you very much.

Love,
Mama